sitting with the work, while the work still works on me
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Whew, it’s been a minute, eh? I keep meaning to pop my head up in here, but life be turning girl every which way but loose. I’m here. And I’m okay. I have been working. I’ve been quiet. Maybe a little too quiet. But sometimes, that’s what I need. To just step back and think, to see the bigger picture, to chart a plan, to rest. I have been doing all of that. Well, still need to work on the rest part.
There are times when the work begs to be witness, when it needs the kind of attention that makes me dress it up and put on a show. And then there are times when you just gotta hold things close to your chest. That’s been me the last month or so. I’m carrying a lot. There’s so many words I am holding that need to breathe. They need air. They need the light of day. But they didn’t need to be public right now.
I am writing from the margins of my life. In between breaths. I am trying to understand what it is I am doing. I am asking the work, “what does it want from me?” It appears as though I am lost or stuck, but I feel pretty clear right now.
I am inside the creations of Tiff. There are books I am writing. There’s this body of mine that is tired but wired for production. I keep reinventing who I am, modeling it after some version of myself that I don’t know is possible to attain. I am being more honest with myself than I have ever been my entire life and that revelation is rocking the shit out of me.
Friends, I have been blooming. I have been growing. I have been becoming. But hell, I have also been unraveling. Falling the fuck apart. Twisted up. Mourning. Tending to wounds, old and new. It’s been a mess over here.
I am part of a project/study that hasn’t gone the way I thought it would. The way my trauma was put on display as test material was not something I signed up for. And while it wasn’t what I wanted, it lit a fire under me. It showed me a glimpse of where I wanted to head in this work. Well, one part of my work.
I have been in a season of decision-making. Some have been so heavy, too hard to hold. Too large. Too wide. Too… much.
I have been lost within the fabric of my life. Losing threads or following broken ones thinking it would lead me somewhere new.
One of the hardest lessons of this time of my life is that becoming ain’t pretty. It’s ugly as fuck. Messy as hell. It damn sure ain’t graceful. But hell, round of applause for me sticking with myself long enough to see what grows. That’s one heck of a feat.
I know I have said this a million times here, but I am going to write more here. I am going to commit myself to being here more. Showing up more. I miss the way this place made me feel when I first joined. How I felt I could write with no limits. Literally, no character limits. Or feeling the pressure of existing on social media platforms where the audience favored short, fast content. This platform ain’t perfect. And the goal is to transition away from here in the future, to my own space, but I could have many quiet conversations here. I could write my way to understanding. Or just sit and read someone else’s way of handling the world.
I love the way I can unfold here. If I want.
I don’t have a super grand update. Not yet. I don’t have some exciting new story to tell. Not yet.
I just wanted to pop in and say that I am still here. I am still growing. I am still becoming. I am just grateful you’re here with me.
More to come.
Chat soon.
Still growing, still here,
Tiffy
Petals: Tiffy Unfolding. Raw is pretty much my default setting these days. I am feeling everything as it is intended to be felt. I am not coating things in sugar. I’m not softening the blows. I am not turning away. Or calling hurt something else to distract myself from the pain. I am living through it. And it is one hell of a ride. I don’t know who I will be on the other side of this, and that’s honestly why it took me so long to do this. Because I feared the version of myself that came out on the other end. I mean, you can grow towards something, forward, and that is what I want to do here. But you can also stay the same, stay still, shrink, wither… I really ain’t want to come out of this worse off than I was when I went in. But I won’t know unless to open the door and walk through.
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I love your down-to-earth get-it-down quality to your writing, your presence in life. It is good to hear from you and how it is going. Take time to rest,you deserve it.